I can remember being overly fixated on my X back then, as she was the motivation behind my irresponsibility; The immediate cause of my effect. The blame was, is and will forever be my own however. Had I cared more about myself I would have never reacted to her cruelness in a self destructive way, ultimately never physically being present at the location where I got arrested. If, if, if…
This song marks a turning point at that time where I realized a potential vicious cycle starting in my life and my willingness to step in and break it. The prison shrink (yes, everyone has to see him) gets credit for that personal breakthrough. Or maybe I just told him what he wanted to hear? I don’t know anymore. Nonetheless, this and many other songs played an important role with me getting my shit together.
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Early on in prison, the time came when my then girlfriend made it somewhat official that we were through. Of course today I can hardly relate to even having been so madly in love with that person and without a doubt she’d feel the same way if you asked her. Considering she dumped me all those year ago and at a time when I needed her (someone) most, I’m sure I’m right.
After a mere matter of weeks it was clear to me that I had a good shot at running shit in my new world. My partner had over 14 years experience and at the time he was, I think, 27. So as luck would have it (or so I thought) I had broad access to resources and information, all at my disposal. But at what cost?
This song captured the breakup (in a dear John letter) and my realization that together with my new cellmate, I was going to rise to the top of the shit heap; C-Block in Stadelheim prison.
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